[fanfic] Decayed, pt. 11 [Code Geass]

[rex_sun]

Title: Decayed
Rating: R
Fandom: Code Geass
Character(s): Lelouch-centric. Many many characters in this chapter.
Summary: Suzaku dies that day in Shinjuku, and Lelouch sets off on a different path: one that is destined to decay with time.

Notes: The final chapter. Thank you everyone who has read beginning to end. If you're interested, I am going to be posting Decayed notes and maybe a Q/A. At the very least I will post a few notes for my own records. 


 

"Lelouch? Lelouch..."

Lelouch cracks his eyes open while the world around him rumbles. Immediately he begins to writhe; his entire body is in excrutiating pain, from his eyeballs to his shins. He moans aloud without really understanding why anything is happening. The pain is unrelenting, coming in pulses, like waves cracking against his shores. With each surge he spasms, feeling like his very organs are being turned to mush. He can't sit still. His fingers and toes clench and curl. He registers dimly that the feeling under his hands is cracked concrete.

"Lelouch! Listen to me..."

theres nothing to listen to go away

He forces his eyes open again. The street light above is harsh against his eyes. He can't for even a moment focus his sight-- green hair and pale skin swim in his watering vision. Where is he? Why is he on his back? Was he unconscious?

"What's happening-- C.C. -- am I shot? What is this? What--" Lelouch bites and spits out between shouts and groans.

C.C.'s voice, cool and clear, says, "You are uninjured--"

"Bullshit!"

"It's tr--"

"Why am I in pain!"

"Lelouch, you're doing it to yourself."

"I'm not!"

not not not not his eyes feel like they're bleeding what is this how could this be his own doing no

what was he doing last oh yes looking for euphemia and he

"Lelouch, you have to snap out of it. People need you. The Black Knights--"

"--screw them--"

"--Tokyo is being challenged. More importantly than that--"

"--it hurts, C.C., it hurts--"

"Your little sister has been kidnapped!"

Lelouch feels the pain start to subside. His heart calms, his body throbs with lingering pain and a deep rooted ache. He looks around wildly.

Ah. Tokyo is under attack. That explains the rumbling. The more Lelouch focuses, the more distinctly he can make out the sounds of metal screeching and bombs exploding.

...little sister...

"No," Lelouch pants. "Euphemia is dead."

shes dead he

he

he...

C.C. knits her brow. Lelouch can't place her expression; pity? frustration? "Not that I'm belittling your loss, but Lelouch, I'm talking about--"

"Where am I?" Lelouch becomes aware enough to ask. He is no longer in Clovisland. Where did Mao go? He looks up into the face of a Burai, apparently belonging to C.C. He has to squint to get it in focus-- what's wrong with his eyes? They hurt so much.

C.C. purses her lips for a moment before saying, "I dragged you out of there."

"Out of where?"

C.C. doesn't answer. Instead she says gently, in a voice he's never gotten from her, "I'm trying to help you. Please listen."

"What is it?" Lelouch snaps, restless in his very core. He struggles and sits up, huffing and panting.

As the sounds of war grow nearer, her frown deepens. She looks incredibly old as she asks, "Why are you fighting? Didn't you want peace?"

This, at least, sinks through the haze of pain and confusion in Lelouch's brain. "I wanted it for the people I loved. Peace wasn't ever meant for me."

"But why not?" she whispers thickly.

Lelouch staggers to his feet and heads over to the Burai. He doesn't have an answer for that. What he knows is that there is a war going on over there, and he is the commander. His place is at the head of this war.

"Lelouch," C.C. calls desperately, "it's Nunally. Nunally! Do you hear me! Your little sister Nunally is in danger!"

Lelouch looks down at her from the open cockpit. "Are you coming to the battlefield? You should probably stay back."

C.C. stares up with reproachful golden eyes. The eyes of a creature kicked by man. She shakes her head slowly, he doesn't know to what, and takes a few steps back. He nods grimly and the hatch closes.

She watches him go, tasting defeat and the fruitlessness of hope. She thinks, Why couldn't he have been simple? Why is this road so long?

 

nunally

nunally... oh well

better off

wherever

like euphy

better off dead than in this shithole

why cant he wake up from this goddamn nightmare

 

("Mao, leave him alone!"

"I'd stay away from him if I were you, girl. His mind just went blank."

"I don't want to hear it. What have you done to him? I never wanted this! My brother..."

"Do what you want. I just want him away from C.C. So now that he's a vegetable over here, I'll just give her a call and--"

"Mao, Mao, please help him..."

"What! No way, no way, no way no way no way!"

"I'm sorry, Lelouch."

"Euphy..."

Smile. "Lelouch. Oh, I've missed you. I'm sorry for leaving."

"Euphy..." Weak. "...why did you leave the Black Knights?"

Frown. Red rings. "You said to join the Black Knights if I didn't want to fight you. I suppose I came to want to fight you."

Silence. Gun. Bang.

 

"Lelouch...! Why...?" )

 

dont think about it don't think about it blood NO stop death NO

fighting for... what? knows he has to go fight, but what for? this is all just a horrible dream. its just not okay, not plausible, not excusable. no reason things should be like this, not from the very beginning. mothers shouldnt be gunned down by whoever and young boys shouldnt kill their father and

Lelouch wheels off in the Burai towards the sound of gunfire and thunderous destruction. He takes a moment before arriving to slip into the zero suit that C.C. had wisely thought to bring with her. The space is cramped and uncomfortable, but he manages to maneuver into place. The mask slides slickly and clicks finally.

hell never remove it again no not ever no need anymore

With gun raised, he charges into the battle, while above the Siegfriend looms in Black Knights color. Higher than this an airship hovers, on the so called float system, her sides painted with the Britannian flag-- this, then, is Avalon, that which the reports spoke of. Schneizel's battleship.

...

what are you fighting for

...the government bureau his castle the command center they must not take it back

--as he throws himself deeper into the battle, the controls begin to rattle under his fingers. The city, already keeled over and broken apart from the last battle, is being slowly reduced to nothing. Dust to dust, and in a strange way, it pleases him. Perhaps this is what he's longed for: the destruction of everything--

my castle in which the beds are soft and i can have suzaku and my family will be secure

(But he's dead.)

not in my dreams hes not hes always

(But you killed her.)

who

(Euphy.)

what are you talking about

(You said it yourself. Euphemia is dead. You killed her.)

i dont remember that no i was just talking to mao when

(When what.)

--"Why are you just standing there! We need your help!" Inoue calls as she wheels in front of him, thinking him, obviously, as a regular unit. "Go to section--"

Lelouch guns her down so he doesn't have to bear her grating voice or insubordination or her suspcious glares or

(You left Nunally.)

nunally is at the bureau

(She was kidnapped. Don't you listen? C.C. said as much. Someone stole Nunally away and you're just going to let her die.)

no im not shes at the bureau shes at the bureau and this world is shit everyone betrays everyone and everyone dies cant trust anyone not even euphy better off gone this is a nightmare just a damn nightmare the real world is over there

(Over where.)

you know over there this is only a nightmare i have to wake up

(What are you fighting for?)

Be quiet.

Lelouch raises his gun and fires. These people are in his way. Black Knights and Britannians alike scatter and explode in a cloud of confusion and fire.

 

Things Lelouch does not see:

 

Schneizel on high. Gazing cooly down his nose at dots on a screen and thinking it really is far too late for this settlement. It's a shame. This place will be uninhabitable after this. Area 11 will be nothing more than a territory, not even a reformational area. The Elevens with their restless hearts and vicious leader can't be allowed to live. They must be destroyed. Area 11 will only be useful for its sakuradite, and it'll even lose the vast majority of its workers.

Coming up to his side, Kanon Maldini gives him a little smile. "Your Majesty, I've just received word that Princess Cornelia has been safely recovered."

Schneizel sighs a little from his nose and lowers himself back down to his throne. 'Your Majesty' they call him now, as opposed to 'Your Highness'. He takes a moment to weigh the new responsibilities that come attached to the title. He considers all the many areas and nations that belong now to him and what he must do for the good of the many despite the few.

Such in mind, he asks, "And Euphemia?"

"No sign of her, sir," Kanon says frankly.

Schneizel will mourn for her when he has the time. For now he must do that which is necessary, just like dethroning his father was necessary. He says, "Then ready the Hadron Canons. Now is as good a time as ever to test them."

"Yes, sir," Kanon agrees easily. He pauses, however, in the middle of turning away. "By the way, sir..."

"Yes?" Schenizel feels a smile of his own tug the corners of his mouth by Kanon's warm tone.

"Congratulations on your ascension. May Britannia and the world ever prosper under your rule."

"Yes. Of this there is no doubt."

 

Kaguya throws open the doors to the bathroom. Not there. The doors to the closet. Not there.

"Nunally!" she calls at the top of her voice, attempting to be heard over the sounds of war above.

"Lady Kaguya, we must get to safety--"

"Not without Nunally!"

"Who is--"

"A little girl in a wheelchair! How could she have slipped past any of you? Find her, find her! She's my sister-in-law, so find her!"

 

Ougi grits his teeth and braces himself against the shockwaves of the fight. His fingers are pure white against the control panel. Sweat drips down his nose. His friends are all dying.

"Zero," he whispers to himself and feels the vast sea of helplessness swallow him whole and drown him. "Zero, where are you? Zero, we need you! Have you really abandoned us? Zero!"

 

C.C. crests the pile of rubble on the outskirts of town where Clovisland sprawls. She sees in the center there, next to the fountain, two immobile bodies. One is Euphemia, with her beautiful hair destroyed, lopped off and stained now with her very own blood. As C.C. draws nearer, she sees that Euphemia is freshly dead, and that her skin is mottled where tears made their tracks. Her arms are spread wide open, feet together, as if she fell backwards in the middle of offering an embrace.

The other body is Mao. She kneels beside him and fails to be surprised when he groans and shifts and opens his eyes. Of course he's alive. Of course the one she didn't want was the one who wanted to make her happy, who kept himself alive no matter what.

"...C.C.? C.C.! It's you! It's really...!"

And weakly he throws the arm that doesn't currently have a bullet lodged in it around her neck. She lays her cheek against his and sighs. "It's been a while, Mao."

 

V.V. taps his feet gently against the stone floor beneath him. The sky above shines ever in sunset colors. He feels in his soul that his little brother Charles is dead. The only choice now is to quicken the pace of Ragnarok, and for the sake of that, he must have C.C. And C.C. is with V.V.'s despicable nephew Lelouch.

V.V. hums and looks up at his niece, Nunally. "Do you think he's charging over right now to come save you?"

Nunally says nothing, but her face scrunches and her hands quiver where they are folded in her lap.

After some time more of silence, it seems that she cannot hold back the floods of her feelings. The young girl says, "I want to believe he is."

"He loves you very much," V.V. says with a smile, remembering watching Lelouch and Nunally as children, from afar.

"Yes, but that means surprisingly little to a person like Lelouch," she whispers, then whimpers.

V.V. looks at her sharply from the corner of his eyes, chin still resting in hand. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," Nunally says with fat teardrops from the barest slit of opened eyes. "There is something... unsatisfied in Lelouch's heart. There's something unbalanced there."

 

Lelouch pants through his nose. He feels his eyes begin to burn again, but this time it is because of the oppressive black smog filling the air. It is so thick that it somehow makes it through the Burai's air filters and into Lelouch's cockpit. He coughs miserably as his chest begins to feel tighter and tighter.

At length he has no choice but to abandon the cramped cockpit for fear of suffocation. He ducks for cover in the shade of a half-collapsed building and rips off his mask to get more air. The sudden gulps he gathers burn his lungs and churn his weak stomach. He can't help the bit of vomit that makes its way up. It's the sandwhich he ate with Kallen.

"Zero...?"

Lelouch snarls and glares up at the intruder. It is Urabe, wide-eyed, poking from the back hatch of his Burai.

"Zero... Is that really you? Where have you been and..."

They stare each other down, one with an inexplicable rage and one with shock and some tiny hint of fear. Suddenly a great crash sends white dust into the air. When it clears, a Sutherland raises its gun, sights set on Zero. Lelouch hurriedly turns to Urabe.

"Protect me!" he screams, red eyes blazing.

"Yes, sir!" Urabe shouts back as Lelouch makes a desperate scramble away. Without even bothering with enough time to close his hatch, Urabe charges forward in his Burai and takes the Sutherland's onslaught.

Lelouch clambers back into his own Burai and wheels away as Urabe and the Sutherland simultaneously destruct in a plume of hellfire.

 

Ougi slams his fist on the table. One of the girls at communications instinctively looks back, frightened.

"...damn... it can't end like this...!"

Zero had been secretive. Zero had been gone for many long periods. Zero had pushed their soldiers too hard. Zero had treated them like pawns. Zero had tried to pull something over on them all with Euphemia.

And yet still... Ougi had wanted to believe in him.

"Fight to your last breath!" Ougi barks. "We can still turn this around!"

Kallen beside him jumps into an automatic salute. "Yes, Ougi!" She begins to march away.

"Kallen," Rakshata calls, "you must look for Zero!"

Kallen hesitates and frowns sadly. She left him to C.C. because... "I don't think he'll be much help, actually."

 

Cornelia looks into the faces of her supposed rescue team as they fold her into blankets and tuck her into a helicopter. She'd already managed to escape on her own, and they only met her halfway down the mountain-- she hates that they fuss over her now, as if she needs it.

The screams of the Black Knights ring out below on the snowcapped mountainsides of Narita.

"What's the situation? Where's Le-- Zero? Euphemia?" she demands.

She must find Euphemia. But no one is looking at her.

 

Nina lowers herself carefully from the giant cupped hand of the Lancelot right after Lloyd. Cecile straightens the hulking white machine and assures them over loud speaker.

"Don't worry. You'll be safe now. I'll go join the Britannia forces. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Cecile, but try not to beat the machine up, will you?" Lloyd says airily.

Nina hides her face in her hands and cries in sheer terror.

 

Lelouch finally cracks a smile under his mask. There it is-- the government bureau. His castle. So close. His sister is there. His bed is there. The end of nightmares. the dawn breaks overhead.

And there, riding down the slopes of pavement, is his ever loyal bodyguard, Kallen. Lelouch opens a channel to her. "Kallen--"

"Look out!" she screams.

He panels his fact spheres all around, not seeing the cause of distress-- not until, that is, he looks straight up. Schneizel's ship casts a massive shadow over the battleground.

Something red sparks from inside the gaping hole in the Avalon.

 

"Fire," Schneizel orders.

 

C.C. heaves Mao along, his arm thrown over her shoulder. He limps heavily, but she managed to cut off the bleeding. The man is pale, but he smiles at her gently. They pause to watch the red rain down on the battlefield, see the fire and the smoke that rises afterwards. Then they continue on, because it has nothing to do with them.

Mao says, "I don't know what you ever saw in that jerk anyway."

C.C. could say quite a few things to that. She could say that Lelouch had the greatest potential she had ever witnessed in a man. Or she could say he wasn't always like this. Or she could explain about how there was no one to stand with him or against him. He saw no equal, he accepted no man. He decided on his own to be lonely.

But instead she says, "Don't die on me, Mao."

And he laughs a little wildly and shouts, "Never! Never never never!"

 

( "Wait for me, Lelouch. In the world of C.")

 

...

...

...

"Lelouch? Lelouch..."

Lelouch breathes in. Lelouch breathes out.

The smell of sweet sunflowers, of summer air and hot dirt and tall grass, fills his body. He can almost picture each inhale as a light, fluffy swirl, filling his insides and warm the parts of him that had been empty.

He lays with arms spread, nestled down to the good earth, and the sun is bright on his eyelids. He feels as light as a feather.

A gentle smile stretches his lips.

"Lelouch," the voice laughs.

Lelouch opens his eyes, contentment alighting his face, and sees hisself reflected back in Suzaku's happy expression.

"Come here," Lelouch whispers. Suzaku huffs a small, quiet little chuckle and lays by Lelouch's side. They turn to each other, green peeking at violet over blades of viridian grass.

"I've missed you," Suzaku says calmly. "I hope you'll be happy here. Euphemia is waiting, too."

"I knew it," Lelouch hums, glad to finally be awake. The chill from his nightmare has nearly all dissipated. "I will definitely be happy if you're here."

"You think so?" Suzaku laughs.

"Yes," Lelouch says firmly. There's a great knowing within him somehow. "It's something like fate."

Suzaku turns on his back and watches the sky. "Fate, huh?"

"Yes. We were always meant to be together."

Suzaku grins, eyes fixed on the clouds above, and a blush forms high on his cheeks. "Well, we could always accomplish anything when we were together."

Lelouch props himself up and leans over Suzaku, smiling a rare, beautiful, happy smile. The same smile as when they were both children. His handsome face glows in the colors of summer. He is delighted that Suzaku understands so easily. "Of course. And without each other, we're both impotent. Yes. Of course!"

"But we're together, now."

Lelouch feels relief course through him. Drained, he sags down and rests his forehead on Suzaku's shoulder. "Yes. As it should be. Yes."

And he is happy.

...

...

...

 

Some days after the retaking of Tokyo, when all the Elevens are dead or fled, Britannian soldiers and workers do their best to sort out their land. Mostly their job is to clear the rubble as best they are able and to drag dead bodies to the mass grave sites being prepared for them. The stench of Tokyo, they joke grimly, curdles the milk of cows in India.

Joseph, a new recruit, gives out a startled yell. His comrades turn to ask the matter. The boy points to the twisted wreckage of an Eleven Burai and gapes in astonishment. The other men stumble and slide down their hill and into the shadowed valley.

There in the ripped cockpit of the Burai is the rumored crazed leader of the Elevens, Zero.

"Woah," Madden laughs, crouching close despite the rotten smell. "Look at this! Wow, he looks like such a freak up close!"

"Take off the mask!" someone jeers. "We'll be the ones to discover Zero's true identity!"

Madden boldly reaches in, but the men are soon disappointed. The face is unrecognizable.

Removed of the mask, it is plain to see that this man had begun to decay long ago.

THE END.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

This is the OP-- and if there is one thing I want to say, is that I love you.

Thank you so much for writing this for me.

Thank you so much for sharing it.

This is absolutely wonderful. Everything about this calls to me and makes me happy, despite such a dreary ending.

Suzaku, gone. Lelouch, unbalanced and following him. Yes, thank you thank you thank you.

[rex-sun.livejournal.com]

OP, I love you too! You're thanking me for writing it? I thank you for allowing it! It was a challenge, and I appreciate it. I'm so happy it satisfied you!

[shirogiku.livejournal.com]

I can't believe the fic is over.

First, I want to say that I was really looking forward to this and that the story is really touching and painful - it leaves one anything but indifferent. The sharp contrast between decay and summer lushness of the reuinion with Suzaku is really standing out.

I want to commend you on many little details:

-I like your portrayal of Schneizel and Kanon. They did seem like themselves - Kamno's warmth and devotion and Schneizel's mentality. He is just doing what is necessary, clinically detached and he will mounrn later. His rationality contrasting with Lelouch's insanity is a great touch.

-Kaguya's characterization in the story is wonderful, there are few Kaguya fics that do her justice or even feature her at all, that girl does have more to her than Zero fangirling. Her search for Nunnally was really heart-breaking.

-Euphy's words: I came to want to fight you. This is very understated, and yet shows the extent of the damage done to her by Lelouch.

-Ohgi's desperate faith and hopelessness. You really made me feel for him
-CC&Mao - I like what you did with them. A lot. CC's POV on Mao - he's the one who always survives. Yes, just yes. Also, a line about her being kicked is very true. And no, she couldn't have done anything for Lelouch, she is teh way she is.

-Nunnally loosing faith in Lelouch is also a tear-jerker. You've made her face so many unpleasant thngs and gradually and much earlier than in canon.

The ending with Zero's face being unindentifiable is just perfect.
So, congratulations on completing hing such an emotive and solid story, it has been a great ride<333

*applause, confetti, flowers, dead kittens:p*

[rex-sun.livejournal.com]

Oh, Shiro. Shiro, I love you. :D

Thank you for sticking by me, and for letting me complain about this to you sometimes. And thanks for the lovely comment that makes my heart fo squee.



sweet, dead kittens. I can use these for necrophiliac bestiality porn. [/shot dead, fuck me]

[shirogiku.livejournal.com]

LOL, you haven't complained that much! it's always been fun:D

you did promise me more necro SuzaLulu one day... *innocent whistle*

You know, I've just read this essay - to sum up, it's about the phenomen that fanfic readers usually wish to have some sort of "control" over the plot and wait for a happy ending (read it, it's a clever essay).

I admit I am like that - but you've always made me step out of my comfort zone. In a fic of yours I know that anything can happen - but I keep reading, haha.

Btw, I like In Times of Drought, even if I haven't reviewed it on the meme (bad, bad me). Plz don't give up on it, I like the oppressive atmosphere, the subtle tension and teen bride Suzuki is proving to be interesting so far.

[rex-sun.livejournal.com]

[/reads]

Yes, I've seen many people who are like this, who state they don't read "fic that makes them feel bad". I'll admit to totally stalking Yinake's journal and reading a meme which she states that she doesn't look for fics with bad endings or fics that make her feel bad (or she said something of the sort). (( I laughed and thought, well I can strike her out of potential readers! LOL ))

...as for me, I don't identify with this phenomenon. Will it end horribly or will it end happily? When reading, I don't care, as long as the ride is good. I admit when I reach an open or unhappy ending while reading, my first reaction is "FFFFFUUUUU *rage face*" and maybe I stomp around a bit. But then afterwards, I end up liking the fic very much, and appreciate it more than happy endings. It seems a LOT more realistic when things end poorly.

And when I'm writing... the happiest it gets is an "open" ending. I will never write a "and they lived happily ever after". Why? Because I can't write it! I am incapable. It doesn't ring true at all, it seems forced when I try.

As I writer, I justify myself by saying, "I'm not here to make you feel better about yourself. I am here to be an artist."

<--- is why I hate the supposedly clever saying "life imitates art". No it doesn't. Real art imitates life. I want something real and raw and bloody.

I'm very glad I bring people out of their comfort zone, even if that means I will never have many readers. If people can read me and feel uncomfortable and yet still like it, I'm doing what I set out to do. I am fulfilling my art.



And as for In Times of Drought, as I say here and on the meme, I AM working on it. Just very, very slowly. It's challenging. I'm trying to express it through atmosphere rather than my usual quick-fire, high emotion, dialogue-dependent short scenes. I like it so far myself, but I don't know how well it's coming out. XD ;;

/pointless reply is pointless, just feeling chatty

[shirogiku.livejournal.com]

I personally define art in a very broad sense - for me art is anything done with skill/mastery. Fanfic, anime, manga, comic books, literature, music - they all have "fair" chances to be equally exciting and artful for me. In an ideal situation, of courseXD The 10% that aren't rubbish.

I don't think art necessarily should imitate real life. I like abstract and disconnected works too, if they manage to be pleasing, even without having anything to do with reality. what is real life, anyway, blah-blah, Zhuangzi dreaming of a butterfly (or a butterfly dreaming of Zhuangzi).

It's coming out good:D

I don't know what to feel.

[elarielf.livejournal.com]

Which is probably the point and possibly even the goal here. :/

Before anything else I just want to say this has been simultaneously the most disturbing and enlightening fic I've read on the meme. You have creeped me out delightfully (with this and the side-story) and opened some characteristics I would never have explored on my own. Thank you.

"Peace wasn't ever meant for me."

This is... even more so here than in canon, this line really hit home to me for Lelouch. He talks briefly about having to abandon Nunnally and wanting Suzaku to care for her in the show, and I've always felt that this sentiment was behind it ("I am not for the kinder world I will create") even in R1. But this Lelouch, with his other half gone and rotted away, along with his personal hope... this world never was for him at all. For me, this is his defining line - all that he's done and none of it for his own desires and future.

And the post-death reunion with Suzaku. Honestly, this part (the "happy ending") is the part I have the most ambivalence for, because it seems to be the exact opposite of what Lelouch was working towards in canon. But it resonates so strongly with THIS Lelouch, the one who lost Suzaku, that it's almost necessary as a resolution. It really shows how much losing Suzaku can change his entire world.

The part when Lelouch assumes C.C.'s referring to Euphie as his younger sister broke my heart, because he'd NEVER do that in canon, but Nunnally doesn't hold the same place she did in his heart, simply because Lelouch's heart can't hold her the way it did - another HUGE change from canon that works so well here. And Nunnally, as observant as ever, notices that change. To me, that's even sadder than Euphie's decision to oppose Lelouch, because that, at least, grants her some autonomy.

So, the big emotional kickers aside, I really like the resolution Schneizel enacted - it's just so... HIM. And Cornelia - still proud, still strong, looking only to Euphemia... god, I love that woman. Your Kallen and Kaguya were perfect, acting brilliantly with the increased knowledge they had, and C.C.'s desperation then resignation is so very well done and understated here.

I just wish Schneizel had fired a second beam that vaporized Mao. Little shit. Goddammit... (he was wonderful here, pushing ALL the right buttons...)

I liked the way the ending tied everything together (also, without diminishing the paradise that Lelouch (...somehow) made his way into). I especially liked the mention of all the dead Elevens, underlining the huge tragedy of the whole thing, outside of Lelouch's death and "failure". Seriously, I'm not sure if this ended with more bloodshed then R2, but Japan was certainly harder hit.

Overall, this was wholely unapologetic and bluntly honest, and I will always love the way you handled this, even if I can't just simply love the fic itself as it evokes far too many complicated emotions to merely be loved.

Re: I don't know what to feel.

[rex-sun.livejournal.com]

Epic comment is epic and I love ya.

I am fully aware that Decayed is hard to love. I don't think I meant for it to be loved. Hell, it's hard for people to read-- I don't ever expect to get too much praise for it. I am so happy, though, that you consider it "wholely unapologetic and bluntly honest". And I'm so happy it inspires so many emotions.

Whether the vast majority read it or not, whether even a few people like it or not, I know by the few comments I have gotten that I did myself and my vision and my artistry justice.

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

part one of a very, very fail! review

[transient-words.livejournal.com]

I’m going to say outright that this is one of the most beautiful stories I’ve ever read. And I think ... people do a lot of damage to you as a writer when they just refer to how ‘disturbing or creepy your work is’. I admit I found this fic, on the whole, less creepy and disturbing than just incredibly sad and wonderfully, wonderfully honest. The way you depart from canon, because of the integral changes happening from the beginning, is thought-provoking and leaves room for a vast array of interpretations.

(Certainly, there were some parts that were disturbing – Lelouch eating Suzaku’s rotting body comes to mind, but I found it to be an interesting metaphor – Lelouch eating up Suzaku, even rotting, because it meant having him – and I oddly thought it wasn’t all that disturbing, but just painful and sad because it just showed how unhinged Lelouch already was at that point --
I’m going to mention the manga ‘Monster’ here, because it contains a very memorable scene that features people being gobbled up. Of course the context is very different, but I just thought I’d share )

You know, I realised I realised halfway through the story that ... it wouldn’t have a happy ending. Certainly, Lelouch seemed to be doing fine at first, was perhaps more efficient without Suzaku, but then – as you made it clearer and clearer throughout the rest of the piece – his heart just wasn’t into it. Without Suzaku, Lelouch lost not only his one of his huge driving forces, but also the one person who constantly challenged him to fight on. I think that Suzaku, especially because he defied Lelouch, was the one thing, along with Nunnally, the one thing that kept Lelouch going.
Or this is what I felt from reading this piece because you can just tell what a huge gaping hole Suzaku left. Not only Lelouch directly, but his surroundings as well: Nunnally loses hope more quickly, Lelouch cuts his ties to Ashford much, much sooner and Euphy, dear Euphy, seems so much weaker and sadder without Suzaku. I, in general, think that Lelouch’s whole world just seems blearier and sadder without Suzaku –

So that the parts with Kaguya, where he felt happy with her because she reminded him of Suzaku and happier days broke my heart (though, I admit, I also liked those scenes because you write a wonderful Kaguya, and I did like their interactions, as doomed as their engagement was). One of the most memorable scenes featuring her, to me, was their engagement party; with Nunnally in tow, and Kiraiya exclaiming how it felt ‘familiar’, I really touched ): And then came that devastating blow – I really liked how you captured Lelouch’s horror and shock and grief ...

I personally think that was the beginning of the end. Though, if I think about it, it was already there by the time Lelouch started dreaming of Suzaku and fleeing into those dreams as a sort of refuge from a life that was slowly, but surely becoming more unbearable to him. I really loved those dream interactions – a lot of people seem to favour writing about Lelouch and Suzaku, when referring to their past, being surrounded by the open sky and fields. But I’ve seen few people do it as beautifully as you have – I like how their interactions are so natural, smooth, and how Suzaku is always smiling. I like too, how Lelouch fell in love with this dream Suzaku, but never failed to wonder what Suzaku, had he lived, might have really been like. Why? Because I feel this nostalgic musing on ‘what ifs’ is just so very natural. It also breaks my heart because it shows just how much Lelouch needs Suzaku, so much that he’ll even be willing to cling to a dream Suzaku because the memories of a smiling Suzaku are all he has.

(Just want to say I love their dream interactions, morbid or not. I admit I had a slight preference for the ones where they were kissing or just being happy together.)

and here the second one XD

[transient-words.livejournal.com]

And ... I think I want to say more but am kind of LOL LOL, where was I going with this? Anyhow, I do wonder how no one commented on your lovely portrayal of C.C and the Lelouch/C.C relationship in this fic. I personally loved it to bits. The strong bond that was neither sexual nor romantic, and full of trust and support. I love how C.C, until the very end, helped Lelouch. I found it very touching that, even after he’d failed, C.C still saw him as someone worthy – her genuinely caring made this story oh so much more painful.

(Though I loved the final scene where Mao, even if his slight ‘I neeeeever die’ ... leave me a bit unsettled. But ignore me, Mao just creeps me out XD)

And Kallen. Just Kallen ♥ . What I adore you for is that you made her realise how human and fragile Lelouch is ... long before canon! Kallon did. I feel that you gave her a lot of substance, but also expanded a bit – I liked that she did question Lelouch’s action. But I also liked that she remained loyal, till the very end. The Kallen and Lelouch interactions were lovely because you captured their chemistry beautifully. It was heart-breaking too because ... yes, this Lelouch is just –

Well, I’ll just call him empty and be done with it. Which leads back to Suzaku. Decayed! Lelouch is so painful because ... he’s the perfect representation of what canon!Lelouch would have been without Suzaku.

And Euphy. I feel so sorry for her here. The poor girl really just wanted to see her family happy and ... ends up in a situation like this. I like how you kept it ambiguous as how Mao lured her in, but ... it can be inferred. Lelouch’s not really paying any attention to her, after he got her to join the BK (worrying, but dismissing her as useless at the same time --) and her downward spiral into what must have been depression. I like that she showed some strength, even if it had disastrous consequences for her. And I really liked how you depicted the Lelouch and Euphy relationship – the siblings they were, loving and caring, but yes :/

You know, I could go and on. How I loved your characterisation of Ohgi (I don’t like the man ... much in canon, but you made him work for him here), how Nunnally’s realisation that Lelouch wouldn’t come to save her hurt ... but I’ll let it rest.

Writing-wise I felt this was a sold story through and through. I think you do a lovely job with setting up the atmosphere, and you have a wonderful way with emotions. I think, plot-wise, some question do remain open, but ... I think it’s fine if you don’t explore them. I think a good fic should always leave questions open, anyway.

Sooo, that’s that. This is probably one of the longest reviews I ever typed out ... well, that’s a lie, but I rarely get /this/ long-winded XD. I just wanted to give you the comments you do deserve. I feel that such a long story with so much evident effort put into it ... shouldn't be left uncommented.

<333

Re: and here the second one XD

[rex-sun.livejournal.com]

Wow. Fail review? I think not. WIN review.

I've been trying to come up with what to say in response to such a long, lovely review. But there's nothing to express the great pride and joy I feel because of you and all of my other friends and readers. All I can do to show gratitude for your support is to continue to write.

Thank you!

[(Anonymous)]

!! Just finished reading this. Completely seconding what transient_words wrote and adding some more thoughts:

Having read all your CG works, I particularly want to say that while I feel your plots are interesting, it is the stellar characterization that I remember them for. Not only do you grasp the protagonists' personalities and motivations so well, you also communicate them in a very lucid manner. That's really difficult but it seems effortless here! Personally you put into words a lot of feelings I had about Lelouch/Suzaku's relationship and Lelouch's pathos. (So many feelings! :D) And the very slow, gradual decay of his sanity - perfect.

Plus, your handling of third person. The narration technique here is just as immediate as first person, and even more telling about a particular character (in this case Lelouch) then first person would have been. Usually with third person I feel quite detached from the protagonists and need a more compelling plot. Here that's totally unnecessary since the narration is so well done.

As someone else wrote above, I love it when you use a scene that many other authors have used and write it yourself (ie: sunflowers). In your writing, these overused settings are best executed and get so much more color and depth.

A bit of concrit - for Euphemia, I like that she was Geassed into the Black Knights, but I think the specific sentence wording could have been a little smoother. Somehow it didn't impact me very much. I also felt Mao's characterization was a little hasty, as well as his dialogue. And was surprised by CC's strongish sympathy for him. But these are just small details.

Finally, I recently read another author whose writing style and content is quite similar to yours. Her penname is Calanthe and she writes primarily Harry Potter. IMO, the similarities: both of your works are unapologetic when it comes to more morbid/gruesome details and are able to fully exploit dark psychological bents in characters. And both have very good characterization and strong symbolism.

Personally, though, I vastly prefer your works (in general). The reason being that Calanthe's (darkfics in this instance - her lighter fics are quite different) are intensely impersonal - the reader doesn't feel any sort of connection to the characters being written about. The situations they're in are fascinating, but her characters don't really react. Her prose is terrific. But there's no empathy involved. It feels empty in a sense, devoid of feeling. Bleak and remote.

In that respect though, your writing excels and is on the exact opposite side. I actually think that that's a crucial quality of your writing - how you weave in hope for the characters even through very depressing circumstances. That essential spark, the potential of how things could have gone or the 'open door' conclusion, is what creates much of the poignancy I get from your stories. The other important thing is that you write about the characters' struggle for what they want, not just the aftermath. Wait, is that what I'm trying to say? Er, I don't mean that a fic written about the aftermath would necessarily be bad. I mean that whereas Calathe's fics are largely circumstantially driven, yours takes the reader onto the exact journey that the character is taking. I just feel that the latter is much more potent.

Well, I think I've said pretty much everything I wanted to say.
To conclude: I REALLY LIKE YOUR WRITING.

(One last thing, I loved the ending line. And I lol'd at 'THE END.' It seems quite abrupt, doesn't it? XD)

(Another last thing: Calanthe's The Playroom probably best exemplifies what I wrote above.)

[rex-sun.livejournal.com]

oh my goood what a lovely review youmakememelt ♥ Hu hu hu, I grin like a doofus and I want to respond to so many things you said (like a kid: shiny eyes, excited voice, "really, really? you read them all? really, really? you even think my plots are interesting because HA I LOL AT THEM" --and well, on and on...) --BUT I will limit myself because holy crap, it's 1am and I have four episodes to go on an anime I'm watching. CHARGE. (I'm pretty hyper right now, excuse me.)


Usually with third person I feel quite detached from the protagonists and need a more compelling plot. Here that's totally unnecessary since the narration is so well done.
---> hu hu hu, funnily enough I am the opposite... I don't often enjoy first person. For one, I am very easily duped by The Unreliable Narrator. I miss sooo many things in first person. And also, since I am young and unwordly and not well read, my strongest impression of first person is the stories that, not so long ago, my classmates wrote in elementary. Ha! So for some reason I find it hard to shake the idea that first person is a bit childish. I don't say that to insult folks who use first person-- I just can't get into first person. I also think first person is a lot harder to do well. After all, how do you fit in things that the reader needs to know but the narrator shouldn't? Hm! Interesting to see other folks' takes, though.

A bit of concrit - for Euphemia, I like that she was Geassed into the Black Knights, but I think the specific sentence wording could have been a little smoother. Somehow it didn't impact me very much. I also felt Mao's characterization was a little hasty, as well as his dialogue. And was surprised by CC's strongish sympathy for him. But these are just small details.
---> Thank you very much! I appreciate all criticism! ♥ These are all things I hadn't heard before and weren't apparent even to myself. I will observe them when I edit further.

As for Calanthe, I haven't heard of her until now. I don't read a ton of HP fic simply because there is so much out there-- but now I rather want to read her, and shall chalk it up on my to-do list. If she is indeed so similar, then I'm sure there is something I could learn from reading her.

To conclude: I REALLY LIKE YOUR WRITING.
--->AND I REALLY LIKE THIS REVIEW. :D

(One last thing, I loved the ending line. And I lol'd at 'THE END.' It seems quite abrupt, doesn't it? XD)
---> Hm, quite so! So abrupt it's almost as if candlejack swooped in a

[(Anonymous)]

This is very very late but I've just found you finished this now.

Wow....and you really did awesome at writing this, too, with the other prompt where Nunnaly was the one who died. I was a bit nervous as the story progress about how you'll end it at first. Yet this is so spectacular.

Is it bad that I'm so satisfied with this heart-breaking ending? Really adore every parts where Suzaku's importance to Lelouch are noted by other characters, specially kind-hearted Nunnaly and Kaguya and her characterizations.

Lelouch's acceptance of his attachment to Suzaku is probably the best part..probably..it's really hard to choose.

You are seriously good at writing down actions of the characters, making each of them complete and notable.

[rex-sun.livejournal.com]

Oh, anon, thanks so much! I don't care that it's late, I always like to know people enjoyed this fic! You made me feel warm and fuzzy. ♥ (:

[(Anonymous)]

I loved this, despite its utter hopelessness.

So much of Code Geass is...Lelouch would succeed and everything would be great, if only Suzaku weren't in his way. And...you've removed Suzaku, and Lelouch succeeds so well, but...everything tastes of ashes in his mouth and he defeats himself.

Memories of Suzaku are Lelouch's moral compass, so once Suzaku was revealed as a murderer, he had no grounding left, and his descent into (even more madness) was inevitable. But...I really like how you brought that out.

Despite all the horribleness, one can hope that Suzaku and Euphy and Lelouch can have another chance in that next world. Because while it was a world of dreams...the dream didn't seem to stop when Lelouch was no longer capable of dreaming. So, there was a sense of hope, still. Well, sorta. Very sad, though.

And a very vindictive part of me was quite happy at V.V.'s sudden sense of panic that his little plot wouldn't work. Even if...it meant that Lelouch wasn't coming for Nunnally after all, and.....

I do wonder what happened to Kallen, in the end.

So thank you, very much, for taking on this project. *bows*

[rex-sun.livejournal.com]

Aha, wow, thanks for reading! (Even so long after.)

Kallen? ...I think she probably died or was imprisoned for life. \o/ [/total downer]

♥