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rex_sunTitle: Nothing in Yourself
Rating: PG-13 (rating jump for subject matter)
Fandom: Code Geass
Characters: Shirley-pov. Lelouch, Suzaku.
Summary: (Kinkmeme request.) Shirley tries to understand Lelouch. She really, really tries. But as Suzaku says: Lelouch doesn't want to be liked. He doesn't even want to like. And Shirley has to wonder if either of her friends hold any kind of hope in their hearts at all.
Status: Part three, ongoing, incomplete. Unedited.
The walk back to Ashford is silent and heavy. All three of them drag their feet, but Suzaku in particular has a worried crinkle in his brow. At the gate, she allows Suzaku to escort her to the dorms, but Lelouch goes on ahead, back to his home.
Suzaku frowns as he and Shirley part.
"Goodnight," he whispers. "And thank you."
Shirley can't do anything more than force a smile, feeling very strange and her throat very thick. She isn't up to consoling him right now, too tense after all the anger and the avoidance. She waves goodbye, and he lingers on the spot even after she goes inside.
Shirley resolves herself to stop thinking about Lelouch. She is now uncomfortably aware of how much time she spends thinking about him and Suzaku, about why they are friends and what is Lelouch's problem and why only they can bring out the fire in each other. So after that one disastrous, emotionally charged not-date, she looks into the mirror each morning and purposefully thinks about Milly and Sophie, her other friends, the friends she‘s been sort of neglecting lately. She stops making excuses to pass by the clubhouse and says hello to Suzaku only when their paths naturally cross.
This is, apparently, the wrong thing to do. For once, it is Suzaku who seeks her out. He waits in the place she usually has lunch with her friends. Milly giggles, but the other girls are a bit short of scandalized.
Suzaku immediately apologizes, but Shirley beats it down. "You have absolutely nothing to blame yourself for! Really! We're still friends, Suzaku."
He looks at her with his green eyes shimmering. "We are?"
"Of course we are. How could you possibly believe we aren't?" Shirley sighs, resting her hand on his arm.
To her great embarrassment (and affection and pleasure and all sorts of warm fuzzy feelings), Suzaku tears up a little. "Thank goodness..."
Shirley’s next move is as simple as this: Suzaku really looks like he could use a hug. And that’s that, and she steps forward, sliding her arm around his strong neck, and embraces Suzaku there on the sloping lawns of Ashford. The first autumn wind picks up and the sun just barely warms her shoulders. And Suzaku-- Suzaku hugs her back.
Shirley doesn't quite know why, but she knows that they both needed that. Suzaku is completely red in the face as they pull back, but he is grinning. He clears his throat, ducks, and hands her a bag.
"This is from Lelouch," he says, obviously trying to regain some sense of normality.
"Why doesn't he give it to me himself?" she asks, surprised that Lelouch of all people would be giving her a gift.
"Uhm, he's... complicated,” Suzaku mutters.
Shirley giggles, knowing there's no way to argue that.
“Shirley?” Suzaku starts again, quietly. Shirley looks up at him, pausing on her way to open the bag. She can see his throat move when he swallows. “Would you mind, er... Would you like, I mean... to come over again this weekend? Just-- just to hang out.”
Shirley stares, momentarily caught off guard. Come over...? To...to what, hang out? Just hang out? Not go anywhere? She can feel her face beginning to warm. What on Earth could they do at the clubhouse that they can’t do when they see each other around normal school? Watch a movie? Have a dinner that doesn’t come from the cafeteria for once? Slide around the empty ballroom in their socks?! ...Lelouch sliding around in his socks? ...with a spatula? And an apron?!
--”Shirley? What-- what-- what’s so funny!”
Shirley slaps a hand over her mouth and shakes her head rapidly. Suzaku looks a little hurt by Shirley’s giggling.
“No, no, it’s not you, I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing at... socks.”
Suzaku doesn’t look at all convinced. “Socks?”
“She was probably daydreaming~!” Milly adds helpfully.
Shirley gasps, because she had forgotten all about her other friends. She casts an apologetic glance over to them, but most of them are turned away. Shirley, however, can tell the difference between giving her privacy and purposefully ignoring a situation; her friends are eating without talking, and they all look tense as they avoid Shirley’s eye.
Shirley huffs and turns back to Suzaku. Well. Pretend like Suzaku isn’t here, will they?
“I’d love to, Suzaku,” she says (dishonestly).
Suzaku perks up and says, “See you later, then!” Then he waves and jogs away, in the direction of the clubhouse.
She takes the moment to open Lelouch’s gift bag. It's a lunchbox like she sees Suzaku and Rivalz eat from, but inside is a small, delicate, and pretty cake. For a second she thinks that Lelouch must have bought it for her, but then she adds up the fact that it’s in Lelouch’s lunchbox and what she knows of Lelouch’s pride.
Shirley is a swimmer, but she couldn’t possibly pass up a cake made just for her. And really, it’s just for her-- it’s light and fluffy and small, not too much sweet or calories because he must know she is an athlete. The gesture is far, far too kind for someone like Lelouch. Biting into it and feeling giddy with how good it tastes, Shirley speculates that it was most likely Suzaku’s idea.
(“Lelouch, we really ought to thank her. Can you make her something?” - “What for? That day was a disaster.” - “But Lelouch!” - “Ugh, fine! Like what?”)
"Shirley," Sophie says gently, breaking Shirley from her little happy spell. She is the first one to meet Shirley‘s eyes other than Milly. "Why are you friends with that Eleven?"
Shirley looks at her, feeling a little confused. Of course, she's always been told that Numbers are no good, and it seems fairly true to her. The Elevens she's seen are very ratty and dirty. But Suzaku is different, and she isn't quite sure why. Or, the idea suddenly comes to her, maybe he isn't different at all... She doesn’t know...
"Because he's really, really nice. He's sweet and gentle, especially for a guy."
"But Shirley," someone else sighs. "He's an Eleven."
The memory of a couple of months ago comes flooding back to Shirley: a similar conversation once happened in this very same spot, about Lelouch. But this is much more serious, Shirley realizes. Sick in her belly and starting to become angry with how her friends just won't accept a perfectly reasonable answer, frustrated with her own lack of words to explain the ideas she can't even sort through within herself, she thinks she sort of understands:
Shirley thinks she knows what makes Lelouch so angry all the time.
That weekend, she comes back to the clubhouse, and this time the boys are waiting for her. Shirley takes a deep breath before smiling at Lelouch.
"Thank you for the cake! It was excellent, Lelouch. You're a really good baker, huh?"
Lelouch looks startled and whips his head to glare at Suzaku. Suzaku blushes.
“He told me to say it was from me,” Suzaku admits. “But I couldn’t take credit for that.”
Lelouch groans quietly. “It was from both of us,” he settles with.
Though Shirley had been dreading this weekend, in the end it passes by without great incident and indeed even pleasurably. Suzaku brings her tea and then the three of them talk about normal things: teachers, absences, projects, the plans for the landscaping this autumn. They watch a funny movie on TV, but it isn’t quite so funny because Suzaku misses a lot of cultural references and Lelouch is apparently not the type to laugh at movies. Come to think of it, she doesn't know if she's ever heard Lelouch laugh honestly--
And darn it, she'd resolved herself not to dwell on him! So she asks Suzaku about his studies and he enthusiastically tells her that Lelouch is a good teacher, and that he is exactly on pace with Lelouch and Shirley, because as soon as Lelouch learns something, he comes back home and spits it all back out for Suzaku.
She forcefully stops herself from thinking about how much Lelouch cares about Suzaku's education.
Not dwelling. Right.
"Suzaku, what do you want to do with your life?" Shirley asks him lightly.
He looks away. "I don't know," he answers quietly.
"Oh... sorry for asking..."
"No, I understand," Suzaku says without a smile. "It's just that there's not much a person like me can do. I... can't see my life past high school age."
There's something behind that sentence and something behind the sudden and startling anger in Lelouch's eyes, but Suzaku goes back to smiling and Lelouch rests his forehead in his hand, eyes closed, and the entire moment passes. That's as troubling as the visit gets, and that's something Shirley feels she can tolerate for Suzaku's sake.
"Come visit anytime," Suzaku says cheerily.
Lelouch frowns. "The weekend."
The boys have a small not-glaring-at-you-glaring-at-the-floor contest, until Suzaku agrees. "Stop by on the weekends."
Shirley says goodbye, and walks back to the girl's dorm happily, thinking, Lelouch doesn't mind me coming back.
After that, things get very comfortable. In no time at all, Suzaku and Lelouch became her best friends-- even Lelouch! The girls in her class are poisonously jealous, but it flies right over Shirley's head. It is Milly who informs her why, exactly, Jane isn't eating lunch with them anymore.
But strangely enough, she finds herself not missing the girl's presence in light of this newfound recognition from Lelouch. It becomes worth it the very first day that Lelouch looked her in the eye and wished her good morning of his own volition and initiation.
And after that, it isn't long before Rivalz is also her friend, and then Rivalz joins the student council, and Milly drags a meek girl named Nina that Shirley recognizes from the back of class, and the student council becomes quite full. Shirley only wishes that Suzaku could go to school with them too, instead of having to cover an entire day's worth of lessons when he'd already worked all day.
As opposed to the turbulent time spent becoming Lelouch's friend all through summer, autumn is more placid and passes by quickly. There is, of course, a few festivals that the student council attends to, but the president always turns down Milly’s wild ideas. Halloween is nothing more than a school-wide costume day, but Lelouch and Suzaku don’t even bother to dress up. Shirley would almost be disappointed if she didn’t know the two better.
Shirley spends every other weekend with the boys, abstaining from any more personal questions, and that seems to make their friendships go smoother. Shirley still doesn't understand why the two live together and why at Ashford, and the questions burn within her, but they too pass with time, or at least they are dulled. Christmas break is fast upon them by the time she just can't help herself any more.
"You guys are staying here?" The question escapes her without a second thought. Both of them gave vague affirmations. "What about your families? Isn't there...?"
Suzaku shakes his head slowly, a warning in his eyes that goes unheeded. Lelouch stands and starts piling up the lunch plates.
"You guys don't have any? Either of you?"
The silence is enough of an answer to that question, but only gives birth to more of its kind.
"Suzaku? You don't have any parents? What happened to them?"
Lelouch leaves. Shirley hears the clattering of dishes from the kitchen.
"My father died,” Suzaku says slowly, his voice barely a whisper. “During the invasion. I lost contact with my mom a long time ago, and the rest of my family is scattered and can‘t communicate well."
Shirley gasps guiltily. “I’m sor--”
“It’s not your fault,” Suzaku says abruptly. Lelouch, who is coming back into the room at this point, pauses and glares at the both of them.
“Isn’t it?” Lelouch hisses, mutters almost, as if Shirley wasn’t meant to hear it. Suzaku gives Lelouch a scathing look on her behalf, but Shirley can only flush in mortification and look at her hands clasped in her lap. After all, she’d always heard it described as the ‘occupation’. Never as the ‘invasion’.
“It isn’t,” Suzaku says firmly. Lelouch huffs and moves to the window, clearly not wanting to sit at the table and be still.
The clock ticks loudly in the silence that has descended between them all. Shirley checks her watch discreetly every now and then, and when five minutes pass without a single word, she absolutely can no longer abide the quiet.
“Lelouch?” she asks, her voice not strong enough to pierce the tense atmosphere. She hopes he’ll get the question on his own, but he doesn’t even look at her. The pause is dangerously long before Suzaku whispers the answer.
“His mom and sister died even before my father did.”
Shirley doesn’t know why she feels like crying, but she does.
“...what about... his father?”
Suzaku opens his mouth, but Lelouch is the one who answers. His voice is dark and frightening. “I haven’t spoken to him in eight years.”
A shiver runs through her at his tone. Suzaku’s brows are furrowed, and he is looking at Lelouch rather than Shirley. The visit ends very suddenly after that, and only Suzaku shows her out the door.
Shirley has no clue just how serious what happened was until the next day, when Lelouch did not show up for school.
It is only noticeable because of what transpired the day before. Lelouch often skips class, but he doesn't often leave Rivalz alone and clueless. When Shirley asks, Rivalz shakes his head and shrugs. Shirley's suspicions are only agitated by the fact that she doesn't see Suzaku around the grounds.
Figuring she ought to give it a day after that surge of anger from Lelouch, she doesn't visit the two that day, even when Lelouch is absent from the student council meeting. As she is leaving, she wants to say something to Milly, but it seems the girl already knows: she is looking strangely, almost forlornly, at the far away door of the boys' apartment. Milly suddenly notices her looking and smiles with fake bravery, then turns and bounces off in her usual sprightly fashion.
But the next day, Lelouch still isn't at school, so Shirley is nominated by the student council to check on him.
"But vice president!" Shirley protests over the nervousness in her heart. "You've known Lelouch longer, haven't you? You should go instead."
Milly sighs, chin propped in her palm. "What does that mean to a guy like him? He likes you better, Shirley."
Rivalz snickers when Shirley turns tomato red. It's almost cruel-- the sharp-eyed look Milly is giving her.
So by four thirty on Tuesday, she is standing before the apartment door and gently knocking, with the rest of the student council ducking around the corner. Several times upon receiving no answer, Shirley tries to leave, only to be thrown back by her fellows. By the third time she knocks, the door finally creaks open, but it stops at a mere crack and Suzaku's tired green eyes stare out at her.
"Hi," she greets breathlessly.
"Hello," Suzaku whispers back, as polite as ever.
"I, uhm, haven't seen you around. And Lelouch hasn't been at school. So I was just checking up on you guys," she stutters out.
But Suzaku doesn't open the door any further. "Lelouch is sick," he says quietly. "I'm taking care of him."
"Wow, really? He didn't seem ill on Sunday..." she says, skeptical but trying to give Suzaku a chance.
"It was very sudden... look, Shirley, thanks for visiting, really, I'll tell Lelouch you were worried. I think he'll appreciate it in, uhm his own way, but... I can't really talk right now."
Shirley frowns and says gently. "I understand. Do you think he'll be able to attend school tomorrow?"
Suzaku's voice is very edgy as he says, "Maybe. We'll see. Bye." And he closes the door softly.
Shirley hears the lock engaging.
Wednesday morning comes, and Shirley can't get to Lelouch through the mass of students that swarm him as soon as he walks through the door of homeroom. Something in her wants to grab all these girls-- and some boys --and pull them away, snarling, 'You don't even know him! You don't know that his family is dead or that he's a good baker or that he gambles or anything!'
But she doesn't need to, it seems, because Lelouch just smiles mock-pleasantly and says nothing as he passes through the crowd. He shrugs at the crowd and gestures to his throat, indicating the reason for his silence. They pester him with questions all the way to his seat anyway.
"We heard from the student council president that you were sick!"
"Are you okay now?"
"Do you need to copy my notes?"
"We could get the cooks to make some chicken noodle soup, would you like that?"
The teacher calls everyone to their seat and Shirley watches silently as he lowers himself gingerly into his seat. Rivalz is also staring at Lelouch, and Lelouch gently nudges him. Apparently this means 'I'm okay' in guy language, because Rivalz relaxes and starts passing Lelouch the notes some other students are trying to hand him.
Eventually everyone calms down, and only Shirley is left shooting him worried, apprehensive looks.
He looks very tired, like a guy who became suddenly ill, sure. He moves incredibly slowly, yeah, as if the sickness has sapped his strength. He won't speak as if his throat is ripped sore. But Shirley also sees something that rather disturbs her: a distant, desperate, desolate gleam in his eyes when he thinks no one is looking.
"Suzaku," Shirley calls, trudging across the hard frost on the ground. Suzaku looks up from his work of resalting the walkways. His face is transfixed into a frown.
They look into each other's eyes, and he knows she knows. Knows that something here is a lie, a direct betrayal of their friendship.
"Hello, Shirley." He sounds worn out.
"Suzaku... what's wrong with Lelouch?" she asks quietly.
He sighs through his nose, the breath crystallizing in the air before him. Suzaku hefts up his bag of salt and says,
"Shirley. I mean no offense. You're a good friend, and I hope you will continue to be our friend. But... he is sick. That's the story I'm sticking to, and I will ask you to question me no more. And don't question Lelouch. Please. Just stay with him. Be his friend. He's used to you, now, so... yeah. He's sick. I have to take care of him. Do you understand?"
Suzaku looks so solemn and serious and sad, an expression close to Lelouch's but more concrete somehow. He's pleading with her but resigned at the same time. Shirley can't tell if he's crying or if that's just the cold wind whipping his eyes.
"I understand," she says, drifty voice one with the howling wind.
Suzaku bows very slightly and goes back to his salting. Shirley waits for a second, but he doesn't say anything more. She leaves.
--And she sits next to Lelouch for the rest of the day. She catches Milly and then she, Nina, and Shirley take their lunch with Rivalz and Lelouch.
Lelouch only speaks once all day.
"I'm fine... Suzaku worries... too much..."
His voice is weak and sluggish and thick. He breathes a little heavily after that, as if he is tired by just that. The entire group looks away a little.
Shirley goes off for Christmas break before she gets the chance to visit the apartment again. When the break is over and she comes back, Lelouch still isn't talking.
"His voice hasn't recovered yet?" Shirley asks.
Suzaku hums with a semi-pleasant smile as he opens the gift she got him. "No, he got better. But then he got bad again over the break."
"I see," Shirley says, sighing in resignation over the fact that she just isn't allowed to know.
"Thanks for the gift," Suzaku says, ignorant of her depression, and hugs her. Shirley hugs him back and thinks, Lelouch has taught him well already. She finds a smile for him as he slips the gloves on and flexes the fingers.
"I thought you looked sort of cold, running around the grounds without any gloves."
"Thanks, thanks so much," Suzaku gushes. He really likes the gloves, if the way he is wringing his hands and grinning is any indication.
The apartment is a little cold itself, the lights a little dim. It's so different from the warm, cheery Christmas she just came from. Lelouch is sitting quietly next to Suzaku, watching him break the gloves with that same hollow look as from before the break.
"We have something for you as well! It's not much."
They bought her a hair clip, fine and pretty. She immediately swaps the one she's wearing for theirs and smiles at them. Lelouch smiles back vaguely. He seems quite content with the blanket she got for him. He is clutching it about his shoulders in a tight grip.
"I just thought," she admits quietly, a little embarrassed, "that maybe you guys wouldn't be getting many gifts..."
Suzaku, Shirley realizes, is a little bit of a crybaby. He's beginning to tear up at the same time he is grinning, but he closes his eyes for a moment and it's gone. He looks a lot more honestly happy than she's seen since Lelouch fell ill.
"No, these are it, basically. Thank you so much! ...actually, Lelouch figured you would--" Suzaku nudges Lelouch gently and laughs "--so he suggested we should get you something, just in case."
When Shirley returns to the girls dorm later after having dinner and being thanked about five more times and without ever having heard Lelouch speak, she sits on her bed and thinks.
Poor Suzaku. Trying that whole time to be so upbeat, to compensate for Lelouch's worrying, persistent gloom. Poor Suzaku, he works so hard. All for Lelouch. And Lelouch isn't trying at all.
Shirley then comes to accept the facts: friendship with Lelouch and Suzaku will never be easy. There is always something that gets in their way, some wall of privacy.
Shirley respects it. Accepts it. There are some things against which you should not push or fight.
With that sort of mindset, it’s much easier for the time to pass idly by. Lelouch goes back to speaking and speaking well, and Shirley is able to embrace that with joy rather then bother over the fact that she never knew.
It’s simpler to spend time with Suzaku and let Lelouch come and go as he pleases. The boy just can’t be held down, no matter what, always off gambling with or without Suzaku, or in his room doing things Shirley has no clue of, or reading on the rooftop or-- or something, always. So Shirley just spends time with Suzaku, and chastises them both for not telling her that Lelouch turned seventeen while she was away, and eats lunch every weekend in their home.
Spring hits, and when Shirley visits Suzaku between classes, he has another handful of flowers for her.
“Sorry, but can I ask you not to come over this weekend?” he says.
“Why not?” Shirley pouts.
He rubs the back of his head sheepishly. “I’ve finally got Lelouch out with Rivalz, so I can do the spring cleaning.”
Shirley snorts a flower petal on accident while she‘s holding them up to sniff. “What, he--”
“--he doesn’t let me clean his room when he’s around, no.”
Suzaku looks a little guilty, or maybe embarrassed. Shirley smiles mischievously.
“I didn’t peg him for the messy type,” she says teasingly.
Suzaku says, “Well, because he isn’t. In fact, he’s too clean. I’m the messy one.” At Shirley’s questioning eyebrow, he admits further, “It’s just spring cleaning. You know, throwing out old things. Like clothes or stuff. Lelouch hates it. He just likes things to stay how they are.”
“I see,” Shirley says with a smile that’s a little bit fond and a little bit exasperated. “Yes, that’s very Lelouch.”
But Shirley is of the opinion that neighbors should help each other-- though she and Suzaku aren’t ‘neighbors’, exactly, it’s close enough, so she nettles and bugs him until he allows her to come over to help that weekend. Plus, it’ll be fun, she thinks, to see the sort of things Lelouch can’t bear to let go.
Shirley comes prepared for work, and she gets it. Without Lelouch to say no, Suzaku has thrown open every window, and the apartment is brighter than Shirley has ever seen it. There are bugs screens over the window, but the smell of flowers and the buzz of beetles is close at hand.
There are chipped mugs to throw away, blankets beyond repair-- good thing Shirley bought Lelouch a new one for Christmas --furniture to move and sweep behind. Suzaku’s room is extremely simple--
“Is that your bed? Why do you sleep on the floor?”
Suzaku flushes in embarrassment. “I prefer it that way. I used to live in a very traditional home when I was younger. Er-- my people’s version of traditional.”
--Shirley feels a little naughty going through his closet, but Suzaku seems to have no qualms about what she might see here. He wants to save almost every single piece of clothes he has, even the paint-stained, knee-ripped ones--
“I don’t want to have to ask to spend money on new clothes,” he explains.
“Ask? Who, Lelouch?”
Suzaku snorts. “Hell no. I mean the Ashfords. We live on their property, and all...”
--However, when it comes to Lelouch’s room, Suzaku leads her in, stands nervously, and then says, “Uhm, just wait. Please don’t touch anything yet. I have to use the bathroom.”
Shirley sits on the bed-- perfectly made --and looks around. A desk, a laptop, a couch and table, a chessboard. Lelouch’s room is very different from Suzaku’s (just a bed, an alarm, and a teensy little bookcase).
He really is a clean freak, Shirley thinks, and she wonders why Suzaku is so nervous. There doesn’t seem to be much out of order here.
...she won’t she won’t she won’t.
...she will --Shirley picks up Lelouch’s pillow to see if anything is underneath: nothing. She stands and looks at the desk to see if there are any pictures: only one, of Lelouch and Suzaku together, very young it seems, maybe ten. It’s cute despite Lelouch looking like a ball of rage and angst and Suzaku looking like an adult, but mostly unenlightening. Shirley waits, perks her ears to wonder if Suzaku is coming yet-- the faucet he turned on as soon as he went into the bathroom is still going.
Shirley opens the drawer of Lelouch’s bedside table.
...oh. So this is what Suzaku was nervous about.
Shirley closes the drawer slowly and Suzaku returns moments later. She keeps a straight face, and Suzaku, who is sometimes a little oblivious, notices nothing wrong.
“We’ll just do his closet, I think,” Suzaku says.
Yeah. I bet, Shirley thinks.
Nothing else interesting happens until they find a small box at the back of Lelouch’s closet. Suzaku puts it aside, seeming to have known of its existence beforehand.
“Don’t open it, please,” Suzaku says without looking at her.
And that’s the end of that.
It doesn’t really hit Shirley until much, much later. In fact, it doesn’t even hit her that day, but instead the next day when she stops by again to make sure Suzaku finished everything alright. She sees Lelouch in the kitchen, digging out a snack from the drawers--
“Well, if there’s nothing you need, I promised to hang out with Sophie.”
“Alright,” Suzaku says pleasantly. “Thanks for all your help.”
--and that night, she lays in bed and falls fast asleep. Still hasn’t sunk in.
She wakes for some unknown reason at twelve something in the morning. She tosses for a whole twenty minutes, thinking, Stupid, stupid, it shouldn’t bother me this much. It’s not my business.
But when she stops to think about it even that much, she finds herself unable to stop thinking about it.
So.
Lelouch shoots up Refrain.
Rating: PG-13 (rating jump for subject matter)
Fandom: Code Geass
Characters: Shirley-pov. Lelouch, Suzaku.
Summary: (Kinkmeme request.) Shirley tries to understand Lelouch. She really, really tries. But as Suzaku says: Lelouch doesn't want to be liked. He doesn't even want to like. And Shirley has to wonder if either of her friends hold any kind of hope in their hearts at all.
Status: Part three, ongoing, incomplete. Unedited.
The walk back to Ashford is silent and heavy. All three of them drag their feet, but Suzaku in particular has a worried crinkle in his brow. At the gate, she allows Suzaku to escort her to the dorms, but Lelouch goes on ahead, back to his home.
Suzaku frowns as he and Shirley part.
"Goodnight," he whispers. "And thank you."
Shirley can't do anything more than force a smile, feeling very strange and her throat very thick. She isn't up to consoling him right now, too tense after all the anger and the avoidance. She waves goodbye, and he lingers on the spot even after she goes inside.
Shirley resolves herself to stop thinking about Lelouch. She is now uncomfortably aware of how much time she spends thinking about him and Suzaku, about why they are friends and what is Lelouch's problem and why only they can bring out the fire in each other. So after that one disastrous, emotionally charged not-date, she looks into the mirror each morning and purposefully thinks about Milly and Sophie, her other friends, the friends she‘s been sort of neglecting lately. She stops making excuses to pass by the clubhouse and says hello to Suzaku only when their paths naturally cross.
This is, apparently, the wrong thing to do. For once, it is Suzaku who seeks her out. He waits in the place she usually has lunch with her friends. Milly giggles, but the other girls are a bit short of scandalized.
Suzaku immediately apologizes, but Shirley beats it down. "You have absolutely nothing to blame yourself for! Really! We're still friends, Suzaku."
He looks at her with his green eyes shimmering. "We are?"
"Of course we are. How could you possibly believe we aren't?" Shirley sighs, resting her hand on his arm.
To her great embarrassment (and affection and pleasure and all sorts of warm fuzzy feelings), Suzaku tears up a little. "Thank goodness..."
Shirley’s next move is as simple as this: Suzaku really looks like he could use a hug. And that’s that, and she steps forward, sliding her arm around his strong neck, and embraces Suzaku there on the sloping lawns of Ashford. The first autumn wind picks up and the sun just barely warms her shoulders. And Suzaku-- Suzaku hugs her back.
Shirley doesn't quite know why, but she knows that they both needed that. Suzaku is completely red in the face as they pull back, but he is grinning. He clears his throat, ducks, and hands her a bag.
"This is from Lelouch," he says, obviously trying to regain some sense of normality.
"Why doesn't he give it to me himself?" she asks, surprised that Lelouch of all people would be giving her a gift.
"Uhm, he's... complicated,” Suzaku mutters.
Shirley giggles, knowing there's no way to argue that.
“Shirley?” Suzaku starts again, quietly. Shirley looks up at him, pausing on her way to open the bag. She can see his throat move when he swallows. “Would you mind, er... Would you like, I mean... to come over again this weekend? Just-- just to hang out.”
Shirley stares, momentarily caught off guard. Come over...? To...to what, hang out? Just hang out? Not go anywhere? She can feel her face beginning to warm. What on Earth could they do at the clubhouse that they can’t do when they see each other around normal school? Watch a movie? Have a dinner that doesn’t come from the cafeteria for once? Slide around the empty ballroom in their socks?! ...Lelouch sliding around in his socks? ...with a spatula? And an apron?!
--”Shirley? What-- what-- what’s so funny!”
Shirley slaps a hand over her mouth and shakes her head rapidly. Suzaku looks a little hurt by Shirley’s giggling.
“No, no, it’s not you, I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing at... socks.”
Suzaku doesn’t look at all convinced. “Socks?”
“She was probably daydreaming~!” Milly adds helpfully.
Shirley gasps, because she had forgotten all about her other friends. She casts an apologetic glance over to them, but most of them are turned away. Shirley, however, can tell the difference between giving her privacy and purposefully ignoring a situation; her friends are eating without talking, and they all look tense as they avoid Shirley’s eye.
Shirley huffs and turns back to Suzaku. Well. Pretend like Suzaku isn’t here, will they?
“I’d love to, Suzaku,” she says (dishonestly).
Suzaku perks up and says, “See you later, then!” Then he waves and jogs away, in the direction of the clubhouse.
She takes the moment to open Lelouch’s gift bag. It's a lunchbox like she sees Suzaku and Rivalz eat from, but inside is a small, delicate, and pretty cake. For a second she thinks that Lelouch must have bought it for her, but then she adds up the fact that it’s in Lelouch’s lunchbox and what she knows of Lelouch’s pride.
Shirley is a swimmer, but she couldn’t possibly pass up a cake made just for her. And really, it’s just for her-- it’s light and fluffy and small, not too much sweet or calories because he must know she is an athlete. The gesture is far, far too kind for someone like Lelouch. Biting into it and feeling giddy with how good it tastes, Shirley speculates that it was most likely Suzaku’s idea.
(“Lelouch, we really ought to thank her. Can you make her something?” - “What for? That day was a disaster.” - “But Lelouch!” - “Ugh, fine! Like what?”)
"Shirley," Sophie says gently, breaking Shirley from her little happy spell. She is the first one to meet Shirley‘s eyes other than Milly. "Why are you friends with that Eleven?"
Shirley looks at her, feeling a little confused. Of course, she's always been told that Numbers are no good, and it seems fairly true to her. The Elevens she's seen are very ratty and dirty. But Suzaku is different, and she isn't quite sure why. Or, the idea suddenly comes to her, maybe he isn't different at all... She doesn’t know...
"Because he's really, really nice. He's sweet and gentle, especially for a guy."
"But Shirley," someone else sighs. "He's an Eleven."
The memory of a couple of months ago comes flooding back to Shirley: a similar conversation once happened in this very same spot, about Lelouch. But this is much more serious, Shirley realizes. Sick in her belly and starting to become angry with how her friends just won't accept a perfectly reasonable answer, frustrated with her own lack of words to explain the ideas she can't even sort through within herself, she thinks she sort of understands:
Shirley thinks she knows what makes Lelouch so angry all the time.
That weekend, she comes back to the clubhouse, and this time the boys are waiting for her. Shirley takes a deep breath before smiling at Lelouch.
"Thank you for the cake! It was excellent, Lelouch. You're a really good baker, huh?"
Lelouch looks startled and whips his head to glare at Suzaku. Suzaku blushes.
“He told me to say it was from me,” Suzaku admits. “But I couldn’t take credit for that.”
Lelouch groans quietly. “It was from both of us,” he settles with.
Though Shirley had been dreading this weekend, in the end it passes by without great incident and indeed even pleasurably. Suzaku brings her tea and then the three of them talk about normal things: teachers, absences, projects, the plans for the landscaping this autumn. They watch a funny movie on TV, but it isn’t quite so funny because Suzaku misses a lot of cultural references and Lelouch is apparently not the type to laugh at movies. Come to think of it, she doesn't know if she's ever heard Lelouch laugh honestly--
And darn it, she'd resolved herself not to dwell on him! So she asks Suzaku about his studies and he enthusiastically tells her that Lelouch is a good teacher, and that he is exactly on pace with Lelouch and Shirley, because as soon as Lelouch learns something, he comes back home and spits it all back out for Suzaku.
She forcefully stops herself from thinking about how much Lelouch cares about Suzaku's education.
Not dwelling. Right.
"Suzaku, what do you want to do with your life?" Shirley asks him lightly.
He looks away. "I don't know," he answers quietly.
"Oh... sorry for asking..."
"No, I understand," Suzaku says without a smile. "It's just that there's not much a person like me can do. I... can't see my life past high school age."
There's something behind that sentence and something behind the sudden and startling anger in Lelouch's eyes, but Suzaku goes back to smiling and Lelouch rests his forehead in his hand, eyes closed, and the entire moment passes. That's as troubling as the visit gets, and that's something Shirley feels she can tolerate for Suzaku's sake.
"Come visit anytime," Suzaku says cheerily.
Lelouch frowns. "The weekend."
The boys have a small not-glaring-at-you-glaring-at-the-floor contest, until Suzaku agrees. "Stop by on the weekends."
Shirley says goodbye, and walks back to the girl's dorm happily, thinking, Lelouch doesn't mind me coming back.
After that, things get very comfortable. In no time at all, Suzaku and Lelouch became her best friends-- even Lelouch! The girls in her class are poisonously jealous, but it flies right over Shirley's head. It is Milly who informs her why, exactly, Jane isn't eating lunch with them anymore.
But strangely enough, she finds herself not missing the girl's presence in light of this newfound recognition from Lelouch. It becomes worth it the very first day that Lelouch looked her in the eye and wished her good morning of his own volition and initiation.
And after that, it isn't long before Rivalz is also her friend, and then Rivalz joins the student council, and Milly drags a meek girl named Nina that Shirley recognizes from the back of class, and the student council becomes quite full. Shirley only wishes that Suzaku could go to school with them too, instead of having to cover an entire day's worth of lessons when he'd already worked all day.
As opposed to the turbulent time spent becoming Lelouch's friend all through summer, autumn is more placid and passes by quickly. There is, of course, a few festivals that the student council attends to, but the president always turns down Milly’s wild ideas. Halloween is nothing more than a school-wide costume day, but Lelouch and Suzaku don’t even bother to dress up. Shirley would almost be disappointed if she didn’t know the two better.
Shirley spends every other weekend with the boys, abstaining from any more personal questions, and that seems to make their friendships go smoother. Shirley still doesn't understand why the two live together and why at Ashford, and the questions burn within her, but they too pass with time, or at least they are dulled. Christmas break is fast upon them by the time she just can't help herself any more.
"You guys are staying here?" The question escapes her without a second thought. Both of them gave vague affirmations. "What about your families? Isn't there...?"
Suzaku shakes his head slowly, a warning in his eyes that goes unheeded. Lelouch stands and starts piling up the lunch plates.
"You guys don't have any? Either of you?"
The silence is enough of an answer to that question, but only gives birth to more of its kind.
"Suzaku? You don't have any parents? What happened to them?"
Lelouch leaves. Shirley hears the clattering of dishes from the kitchen.
"My father died,” Suzaku says slowly, his voice barely a whisper. “During the invasion. I lost contact with my mom a long time ago, and the rest of my family is scattered and can‘t communicate well."
Shirley gasps guiltily. “I’m sor--”
“It’s not your fault,” Suzaku says abruptly. Lelouch, who is coming back into the room at this point, pauses and glares at the both of them.
“Isn’t it?” Lelouch hisses, mutters almost, as if Shirley wasn’t meant to hear it. Suzaku gives Lelouch a scathing look on her behalf, but Shirley can only flush in mortification and look at her hands clasped in her lap. After all, she’d always heard it described as the ‘occupation’. Never as the ‘invasion’.
“It isn’t,” Suzaku says firmly. Lelouch huffs and moves to the window, clearly not wanting to sit at the table and be still.
The clock ticks loudly in the silence that has descended between them all. Shirley checks her watch discreetly every now and then, and when five minutes pass without a single word, she absolutely can no longer abide the quiet.
“Lelouch?” she asks, her voice not strong enough to pierce the tense atmosphere. She hopes he’ll get the question on his own, but he doesn’t even look at her. The pause is dangerously long before Suzaku whispers the answer.
“His mom and sister died even before my father did.”
Shirley doesn’t know why she feels like crying, but she does.
“...what about... his father?”
Suzaku opens his mouth, but Lelouch is the one who answers. His voice is dark and frightening. “I haven’t spoken to him in eight years.”
A shiver runs through her at his tone. Suzaku’s brows are furrowed, and he is looking at Lelouch rather than Shirley. The visit ends very suddenly after that, and only Suzaku shows her out the door.
Shirley has no clue just how serious what happened was until the next day, when Lelouch did not show up for school.
It is only noticeable because of what transpired the day before. Lelouch often skips class, but he doesn't often leave Rivalz alone and clueless. When Shirley asks, Rivalz shakes his head and shrugs. Shirley's suspicions are only agitated by the fact that she doesn't see Suzaku around the grounds.
Figuring she ought to give it a day after that surge of anger from Lelouch, she doesn't visit the two that day, even when Lelouch is absent from the student council meeting. As she is leaving, she wants to say something to Milly, but it seems the girl already knows: she is looking strangely, almost forlornly, at the far away door of the boys' apartment. Milly suddenly notices her looking and smiles with fake bravery, then turns and bounces off in her usual sprightly fashion.
But the next day, Lelouch still isn't at school, so Shirley is nominated by the student council to check on him.
"But vice president!" Shirley protests over the nervousness in her heart. "You've known Lelouch longer, haven't you? You should go instead."
Milly sighs, chin propped in her palm. "What does that mean to a guy like him? He likes you better, Shirley."
Rivalz snickers when Shirley turns tomato red. It's almost cruel-- the sharp-eyed look Milly is giving her.
So by four thirty on Tuesday, she is standing before the apartment door and gently knocking, with the rest of the student council ducking around the corner. Several times upon receiving no answer, Shirley tries to leave, only to be thrown back by her fellows. By the third time she knocks, the door finally creaks open, but it stops at a mere crack and Suzaku's tired green eyes stare out at her.
"Hi," she greets breathlessly.
"Hello," Suzaku whispers back, as polite as ever.
"I, uhm, haven't seen you around. And Lelouch hasn't been at school. So I was just checking up on you guys," she stutters out.
But Suzaku doesn't open the door any further. "Lelouch is sick," he says quietly. "I'm taking care of him."
"Wow, really? He didn't seem ill on Sunday..." she says, skeptical but trying to give Suzaku a chance.
"It was very sudden... look, Shirley, thanks for visiting, really, I'll tell Lelouch you were worried. I think he'll appreciate it in, uhm his own way, but... I can't really talk right now."
Shirley frowns and says gently. "I understand. Do you think he'll be able to attend school tomorrow?"
Suzaku's voice is very edgy as he says, "Maybe. We'll see. Bye." And he closes the door softly.
Shirley hears the lock engaging.
Wednesday morning comes, and Shirley can't get to Lelouch through the mass of students that swarm him as soon as he walks through the door of homeroom. Something in her wants to grab all these girls-- and some boys --and pull them away, snarling, 'You don't even know him! You don't know that his family is dead or that he's a good baker or that he gambles or anything!'
But she doesn't need to, it seems, because Lelouch just smiles mock-pleasantly and says nothing as he passes through the crowd. He shrugs at the crowd and gestures to his throat, indicating the reason for his silence. They pester him with questions all the way to his seat anyway.
"We heard from the student council president that you were sick!"
"Are you okay now?"
"Do you need to copy my notes?"
"We could get the cooks to make some chicken noodle soup, would you like that?"
The teacher calls everyone to their seat and Shirley watches silently as he lowers himself gingerly into his seat. Rivalz is also staring at Lelouch, and Lelouch gently nudges him. Apparently this means 'I'm okay' in guy language, because Rivalz relaxes and starts passing Lelouch the notes some other students are trying to hand him.
Eventually everyone calms down, and only Shirley is left shooting him worried, apprehensive looks.
He looks very tired, like a guy who became suddenly ill, sure. He moves incredibly slowly, yeah, as if the sickness has sapped his strength. He won't speak as if his throat is ripped sore. But Shirley also sees something that rather disturbs her: a distant, desperate, desolate gleam in his eyes when he thinks no one is looking.
"Suzaku," Shirley calls, trudging across the hard frost on the ground. Suzaku looks up from his work of resalting the walkways. His face is transfixed into a frown.
They look into each other's eyes, and he knows she knows. Knows that something here is a lie, a direct betrayal of their friendship.
"Hello, Shirley." He sounds worn out.
"Suzaku... what's wrong with Lelouch?" she asks quietly.
He sighs through his nose, the breath crystallizing in the air before him. Suzaku hefts up his bag of salt and says,
"Shirley. I mean no offense. You're a good friend, and I hope you will continue to be our friend. But... he is sick. That's the story I'm sticking to, and I will ask you to question me no more. And don't question Lelouch. Please. Just stay with him. Be his friend. He's used to you, now, so... yeah. He's sick. I have to take care of him. Do you understand?"
Suzaku looks so solemn and serious and sad, an expression close to Lelouch's but more concrete somehow. He's pleading with her but resigned at the same time. Shirley can't tell if he's crying or if that's just the cold wind whipping his eyes.
"I understand," she says, drifty voice one with the howling wind.
Suzaku bows very slightly and goes back to his salting. Shirley waits for a second, but he doesn't say anything more. She leaves.
--And she sits next to Lelouch for the rest of the day. She catches Milly and then she, Nina, and Shirley take their lunch with Rivalz and Lelouch.
Lelouch only speaks once all day.
"I'm fine... Suzaku worries... too much..."
His voice is weak and sluggish and thick. He breathes a little heavily after that, as if he is tired by just that. The entire group looks away a little.
Shirley goes off for Christmas break before she gets the chance to visit the apartment again. When the break is over and she comes back, Lelouch still isn't talking.
"His voice hasn't recovered yet?" Shirley asks.
Suzaku hums with a semi-pleasant smile as he opens the gift she got him. "No, he got better. But then he got bad again over the break."
"I see," Shirley says, sighing in resignation over the fact that she just isn't allowed to know.
"Thanks for the gift," Suzaku says, ignorant of her depression, and hugs her. Shirley hugs him back and thinks, Lelouch has taught him well already. She finds a smile for him as he slips the gloves on and flexes the fingers.
"I thought you looked sort of cold, running around the grounds without any gloves."
"Thanks, thanks so much," Suzaku gushes. He really likes the gloves, if the way he is wringing his hands and grinning is any indication.
The apartment is a little cold itself, the lights a little dim. It's so different from the warm, cheery Christmas she just came from. Lelouch is sitting quietly next to Suzaku, watching him break the gloves with that same hollow look as from before the break.
"We have something for you as well! It's not much."
They bought her a hair clip, fine and pretty. She immediately swaps the one she's wearing for theirs and smiles at them. Lelouch smiles back vaguely. He seems quite content with the blanket she got for him. He is clutching it about his shoulders in a tight grip.
"I just thought," she admits quietly, a little embarrassed, "that maybe you guys wouldn't be getting many gifts..."
Suzaku, Shirley realizes, is a little bit of a crybaby. He's beginning to tear up at the same time he is grinning, but he closes his eyes for a moment and it's gone. He looks a lot more honestly happy than she's seen since Lelouch fell ill.
"No, these are it, basically. Thank you so much! ...actually, Lelouch figured you would--" Suzaku nudges Lelouch gently and laughs "--so he suggested we should get you something, just in case."
When Shirley returns to the girls dorm later after having dinner and being thanked about five more times and without ever having heard Lelouch speak, she sits on her bed and thinks.
Poor Suzaku. Trying that whole time to be so upbeat, to compensate for Lelouch's worrying, persistent gloom. Poor Suzaku, he works so hard. All for Lelouch. And Lelouch isn't trying at all.
Shirley then comes to accept the facts: friendship with Lelouch and Suzaku will never be easy. There is always something that gets in their way, some wall of privacy.
Shirley respects it. Accepts it. There are some things against which you should not push or fight.
With that sort of mindset, it’s much easier for the time to pass idly by. Lelouch goes back to speaking and speaking well, and Shirley is able to embrace that with joy rather then bother over the fact that she never knew.
It’s simpler to spend time with Suzaku and let Lelouch come and go as he pleases. The boy just can’t be held down, no matter what, always off gambling with or without Suzaku, or in his room doing things Shirley has no clue of, or reading on the rooftop or-- or something, always. So Shirley just spends time with Suzaku, and chastises them both for not telling her that Lelouch turned seventeen while she was away, and eats lunch every weekend in their home.
Spring hits, and when Shirley visits Suzaku between classes, he has another handful of flowers for her.
“Sorry, but can I ask you not to come over this weekend?” he says.
“Why not?” Shirley pouts.
He rubs the back of his head sheepishly. “I’ve finally got Lelouch out with Rivalz, so I can do the spring cleaning.”
Shirley snorts a flower petal on accident while she‘s holding them up to sniff. “What, he--”
“--he doesn’t let me clean his room when he’s around, no.”
Suzaku looks a little guilty, or maybe embarrassed. Shirley smiles mischievously.
“I didn’t peg him for the messy type,” she says teasingly.
Suzaku says, “Well, because he isn’t. In fact, he’s too clean. I’m the messy one.” At Shirley’s questioning eyebrow, he admits further, “It’s just spring cleaning. You know, throwing out old things. Like clothes or stuff. Lelouch hates it. He just likes things to stay how they are.”
“I see,” Shirley says with a smile that’s a little bit fond and a little bit exasperated. “Yes, that’s very Lelouch.”
But Shirley is of the opinion that neighbors should help each other-- though she and Suzaku aren’t ‘neighbors’, exactly, it’s close enough, so she nettles and bugs him until he allows her to come over to help that weekend. Plus, it’ll be fun, she thinks, to see the sort of things Lelouch can’t bear to let go.
Shirley comes prepared for work, and she gets it. Without Lelouch to say no, Suzaku has thrown open every window, and the apartment is brighter than Shirley has ever seen it. There are bugs screens over the window, but the smell of flowers and the buzz of beetles is close at hand.
There are chipped mugs to throw away, blankets beyond repair-- good thing Shirley bought Lelouch a new one for Christmas --furniture to move and sweep behind. Suzaku’s room is extremely simple--
“Is that your bed? Why do you sleep on the floor?”
Suzaku flushes in embarrassment. “I prefer it that way. I used to live in a very traditional home when I was younger. Er-- my people’s version of traditional.”
--Shirley feels a little naughty going through his closet, but Suzaku seems to have no qualms about what she might see here. He wants to save almost every single piece of clothes he has, even the paint-stained, knee-ripped ones--
“I don’t want to have to ask to spend money on new clothes,” he explains.
“Ask? Who, Lelouch?”
Suzaku snorts. “Hell no. I mean the Ashfords. We live on their property, and all...”
--However, when it comes to Lelouch’s room, Suzaku leads her in, stands nervously, and then says, “Uhm, just wait. Please don’t touch anything yet. I have to use the bathroom.”
Shirley sits on the bed-- perfectly made --and looks around. A desk, a laptop, a couch and table, a chessboard. Lelouch’s room is very different from Suzaku’s (just a bed, an alarm, and a teensy little bookcase).
He really is a clean freak, Shirley thinks, and she wonders why Suzaku is so nervous. There doesn’t seem to be much out of order here.
...she won’t she won’t she won’t.
...she will --Shirley picks up Lelouch’s pillow to see if anything is underneath: nothing. She stands and looks at the desk to see if there are any pictures: only one, of Lelouch and Suzaku together, very young it seems, maybe ten. It’s cute despite Lelouch looking like a ball of rage and angst and Suzaku looking like an adult, but mostly unenlightening. Shirley waits, perks her ears to wonder if Suzaku is coming yet-- the faucet he turned on as soon as he went into the bathroom is still going.
Shirley opens the drawer of Lelouch’s bedside table.
...oh. So this is what Suzaku was nervous about.
Shirley closes the drawer slowly and Suzaku returns moments later. She keeps a straight face, and Suzaku, who is sometimes a little oblivious, notices nothing wrong.
“We’ll just do his closet, I think,” Suzaku says.
Yeah. I bet, Shirley thinks.
Nothing else interesting happens until they find a small box at the back of Lelouch’s closet. Suzaku puts it aside, seeming to have known of its existence beforehand.
“Don’t open it, please,” Suzaku says without looking at her.
And that’s the end of that.
It doesn’t really hit Shirley until much, much later. In fact, it doesn’t even hit her that day, but instead the next day when she stops by again to make sure Suzaku finished everything alright. She sees Lelouch in the kitchen, digging out a snack from the drawers--
“Well, if there’s nothing you need, I promised to hang out with Sophie.”
“Alright,” Suzaku says pleasantly. “Thanks for all your help.”
--and that night, she lays in bed and falls fast asleep. Still hasn’t sunk in.
She wakes for some unknown reason at twelve something in the morning. She tosses for a whole twenty minutes, thinking, Stupid, stupid, it shouldn’t bother me this much. It’s not my business.
But when she stops to think about it even that much, she finds herself unable to stop thinking about it.
So.
Lelouch shoots up Refrain.
