Suzaku freezes but makes no move to withdraw. His mind is still and heavy, not really comprehending Lelouch's words; he's so focused on this one thing right in front of him, and all other desires are background noise. Suzaku blinks away his haze, bites his own lip-- anything to make himself focus. It helps that Lelouch is starting to smack him.
"What?" he asks dumbly.
"I said pull out, dammit! What's wrong with you, stop, get out!"
Lelouch's face is screwed in agony, tears of anger and pain gathering. He blinks them away furiously and punches Suzaku in the shoulder.
"W-why?"
"Because it hurts, Suzaku! You're hurting me!"
"...but Lelouch, we went over this-- it's gonna hurt--"
"I don't give a shit, Suzaku, now pull your dick out or so help me god--"
Suzaku takes a few deep breaths and pulls slowly away, sliding out of Lelouch with a slick sound. Lelouch falls back on the bed, shivering and breathing hard as if he's just run a marathon. Suzaku rubs his hand over his face, not knowing how to feel. (He's sorry that it hurt too much but really, can't Lelouch just... suck it up for now? Because Suzaku really has a problem here--)
(God, what the fuck kind of thought is that?)
Guiltily he strokes the side of Lelouch's face, shushing him gently but not finding it within himself to apologize. Maybe he should. Way to take your boyfriend's virginity, genius-- by hurting him. Nice. Good going. (But god, oh god he's still hard-- maybe they can--)
"Do you want to switch, then?" he asks tentatively, eyeing Lelouch's pretty-much flaccid cock.
Lelouch flails his head in a desperate no. He sounds tired but at least no longer angry as he groans, "That was horrible. Fuck. I don't want to anymore..."
Suzaku shifts and rests his head in his palm. He lets out a weary sigh and spends the next few minutes beating himself mentally. This is not the time-- this is not the time-- but he's never had to deny himself like this. If someone shunted him one night, he'd just find someone else within an hour. But he can't just--
Suzaku swallows. Keeps his tongue. Doesn't suggest what he wants. He finally opens his eyes and sees Lelouch's red face, his watery, doleful eyes looking up at him--
"Sorry," Lelouch grunts.
--and knows what he wants to do, and suddenly he knows he has the power to do it.
"Do you want me to...?" Lelouch asks, blushing hard and trailing off and gesturing vaguely. (Still too shy to say the words except when he's angry. Still too shy to do it with the lights on. Still so--)
"Nah," Suzaku grunts back. With a ruffle of his hair, he lets himself drop to the bed by Lelouch's side. Suzaku tosses his condom and puts his entire mind into ignoring his erection and the monster roaring at the back of his mind.
"You sure?"
"Yeah." No, but he wants to be.
He gathers Lelouch in his arms and they simply lay there, listening to the tick of a clock somewhere in the room. It's torture, it really is, but also--
"I just need time, I think, Suzaku," Lelouch mumbles.
"That's fine. I can give you that."
(He can he can he can.)
--here, now, laying by Lelouch's side, just there, just being with Lelouch, soothing Lelouch and making Lelouch smile again, slowly-- Suzaku feels something new inside. Or maybe not new; maybe it was there all along, but filthy, and Lelouch has taken a scrub to it and--
Suzaku feels something like pride. And something... happy, he decides this foreign feeling must be. Is this how it feels? To love someone? Suzaku knows how he wants things to be now. Forever.
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carisma_sensei
Becoming Clean; sequel
Date: 2011-11-13 07:11 am (UTC)Suzaku freezes but makes no move to withdraw. His mind is still and heavy, not really comprehending Lelouch's words; he's so focused on this one thing right in front of him, and all other desires are background noise. Suzaku blinks away his haze, bites his own lip-- anything to make himself focus. It helps that Lelouch is starting to smack him.
"What?" he asks dumbly.
"I said pull out, dammit! What's wrong with you, stop, get out!"
Lelouch's face is screwed in agony, tears of anger and pain gathering. He blinks them away furiously and punches Suzaku in the shoulder.
"W-why?"
"Because it hurts, Suzaku! You're hurting me!"
"...but Lelouch, we went over this-- it's gonna hurt--"
"I don't give a shit, Suzaku, now pull your dick out or so help me god--"
Suzaku takes a few deep breaths and pulls slowly away, sliding out of Lelouch with a slick sound. Lelouch falls back on the bed, shivering and breathing hard as if he's just run a marathon. Suzaku rubs his hand over his face, not knowing how to feel. (He's sorry that it hurt too much but really, can't Lelouch just... suck it up for now? Because Suzaku really has a problem here--)
(God, what the fuck kind of thought is that?)
Guiltily he strokes the side of Lelouch's face, shushing him gently but not finding it within himself to apologize. Maybe he should. Way to take your boyfriend's virginity, genius-- by hurting him. Nice. Good going. (But god, oh god he's still hard-- maybe they can--)
"Do you want to switch, then?" he asks tentatively, eyeing Lelouch's pretty-much flaccid cock.
Lelouch flails his head in a desperate no. He sounds tired but at least no longer angry as he groans, "That was horrible. Fuck. I don't want to anymore..."
Suzaku shifts and rests his head in his palm. He lets out a weary sigh and spends the next few minutes beating himself mentally. This is not the time-- this is not the time-- but he's never had to deny himself like this. If someone shunted him one night, he'd just find someone else within an hour. But he can't just--
Suzaku swallows. Keeps his tongue. Doesn't suggest what he wants. He finally opens his eyes and sees Lelouch's red face, his watery, doleful eyes looking up at him--
"Sorry," Lelouch grunts.
--and knows what he wants to do, and suddenly he knows he has the power to do it.
"Do you want me to...?" Lelouch asks, blushing hard and trailing off and gesturing vaguely. (Still too shy to say the words except when he's angry. Still too shy to do it with the lights on. Still so--)
"Nah," Suzaku grunts back. With a ruffle of his hair, he lets himself drop to the bed by Lelouch's side. Suzaku tosses his condom and puts his entire mind into ignoring his erection and the monster roaring at the back of his mind.
"You sure?"
"Yeah." No, but he wants to be.
He gathers Lelouch in his arms and they simply lay there, listening to the tick of a clock somewhere in the room. It's torture, it really is, but also--
"I just need time, I think, Suzaku," Lelouch mumbles.
"That's fine. I can give you that."
(He can he can he can.)
--here, now, laying by Lelouch's side, just there, just being with Lelouch, soothing Lelouch and making Lelouch smile again, slowly-- Suzaku feels something new inside. Or maybe not new; maybe it was there all along, but filthy, and Lelouch has taken a scrub to it and--
Suzaku feels something like pride. And something... happy, he decides this foreign feeling must be. Is this how it feels? To love someone? Suzaku knows how he wants things to be now. Forever.
He has the power. He can do it.
(I can, I can, I can, I can)